Mendokusai No matter how much

Found at: sdf.org:70/users/snowdusk/phlog/201707031356.txt


No matter how much I try to avoid 'relationship' it seems inevitable when the
right time and the right person comes... and so 2 Saturdays I went to this
Japanese izakaya on Church St after walking around, touring different booths
and parties during the Pride festivities... so tired... I just wanted to have a
beer (it was my 4th one that day). There was this white server... very cute...
very attractive... who spoke Japanese to me and so I spoke Japanese back... we
ended up talking everytime the server passes by... we both have something in
common in that we both did the JET Programme together and lived in Japan... I
only realized at the end that the server was flirting with me.... they kept
saying how cute I was, how they liked my hair and my tan, and how I didn't look
my age, etc etc... I thought they were just being friendly and all, or maybe
that it was just part of the job.

Anyway I got home and Googled the server (LOL... I Google pretty much everyone
I meet! haha) and found the server's FB profile and so I sent a friendly
message, just thanking them how hospitable and friendly they were with me.

... and then it all started there. We started chatting, etc etc... they kept
saying how they were very attracted to me, etc etc... BUT, I found out the
server is already married. I asked why they were flirting with other people and
they told me their relationship had been a 'best friend' type of relationship
for a long time now... and that there had been no sexual interaction between

... hmmmm....

... dilemma...

... we have been exchanging messages since then, every single day... 

... but since Saturday, I have not responded to their messages at all.

... them being married is not the only problem for me... I just feel like the
attraction is all physical... I had been waiting for them to ask me deeper
questions about my interests, my past, etc etc... but they never brought it up.
I was always the one asking them these questions. I would like a relationship
that is deeper than physical attraction.

... so I don't know... I have been jaded with any kind of relationship for the
past few years now... the last time I was in a relationship was in 2011... the
last time I dated, well, also 2011... haha.

... deep inside, I don't really want any relationship. There is a word in
Japanese to describe what I feel that does not translate to English... and that
is relationship to me is 'mendokusai'... maybe you can Google it.