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Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?internet/hitch10

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                     Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
                               Episode 10

(Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Marvin are still on their way to find out
more about Life, the Net, and Everything. From off in the distance they
them. It is a fearsome device with great nasty teeth painted on it. The
cannon looks as if it could punch a hole through a small planet. A hatch
opens and a rightly uniformed man steps out, crushing a passing cat
under his boot.)

Cat:           (splat)

Rod:           Wh . . . who are you?

Roarin' George:I'm General Roarin' George Pahton. I heard there was some
               Singularans around here. Thought I'd do some American
               style joggering.

Arnold Lint:   Why does everyone pick on the Singularans? They only seek
               meaningful personal relationships with people they find

Roarin' George:Right, that's it, we're gonna have some order around
               here. No more of these damn cliches. From here on out,
               the following rules will apply: Anyone who uses the
               phrases 'special', 'personal relationship', or
               'meaningful relationship' WILL be fined twenty dollars
               for the first offense. Subsequent offenders will have
               their genitalia removed with a sharp rock. Anyone who
               corrects the spelling of another, WILL be fined 100
               dollars. I won't stand for any namby-pamby intellectuals
               checking spelling when there's so much to do. Anyone
               caught agreeing with anything an oppositely gendered
               personnel says in an obvious attempt to make points, WILL
               have both kneecaps shattered with a ball-pean hammer.
               Likewise, anyone saying things which are right out of
               soap operas with the intentions mentioned above WILL also
               have his (or her) kneecaps shattered with a ball-pean
               hammer. Remember, this is the NET, it's tough out there.
               Keep your emotions to yourself, do you want a bunch of
               commies to read that gooey crap? Why they'll think we're
               wimps, then they'll invade. They've started infiltrating
               already - ever been to one of the dating service places?
               They're all commies, draining away our precious bodily
               fluids. Now, get back to work!

(With that, he climbs back into the tank and drives off, casually
blowing a 4 foot hole in a nearby wall. Just then, the 12" CRT on
bible in one hand and a microphone in the other. He speaks: "Friends.
Why are we here today? We are here to hear the words - (Amen) - to hear
the holy words from the Holy Box - (Amen). Oh blessed be the Holy Box,
and it's disciples: Prophet Ronko, Prophet K-Dul, and the Prophet Popeel
- (Amen Amen Amen). Yes, they lead is to immaculate spending. We here at
the Church of the Divine Vision believe in Johnny and Merv and Mike. TV
s the reflection of life, and life is a reflection of reality,
therefore TV IS REALITY.  Yes, Mrs Olson may be a Nazi, but if you buy
Foljers, you can bake just like her. And Robert Yung may have multiple
coffee, you can remain calm in the midst of a nuclear explosion . . . ")

Rod:           Shut that OFF.

Arnold Lint:   What an odd religion, worshiping a TV, seems hard to

Martin:        Not really, just another awful attempt to deal with this
               miserable Net. It's all a cop out. You can't understand
               something so you pretend that there is something else in
               control. It's all rubbish.

Gillian:       Quiet. Of course there's a supreme being.

Martin:        If you say so, but if God didn't already exist, he would
               have to be invented.

Rod:           It's hopeless talking to him.

("The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that the members of the
Church of the Divine Vision are basically agnostics. They prefer to
believe what they see on the tube to what some half starved people wrote
about over 2000 years ago. They can't meet God, but if the TV gives them
trouble, they can always replace it. Their belief led to the writing of
the Video Testament, which is the gospel for all believers in the Holy
Box. Although it seems unlikely, the Church of the Divine Vision was

Gillian:       Let's go.

Martin:        Do we have to?

(They all ignore Martin and press on. Two days later they arrive at
their destination. In front of them is a rather bug-eyed looking

               and Everything.

Lizard:        Yes, I am Teddy the Wonder Lizard. I know all there is to
               know about Life, the Net, and Everything.

Rod:           Well, tell us!

Gillian:       Please do!

Teddy:         You won't like it.

Martin:        (sarcastically) Now that's a real surprise.

Teddy:         Are you sure you want to know?

Arnold Lint:   Yes, what is it, got to more than forty-bloody-two.

Teddy:         Yes, that was the answer we told the Net. We figured that
               the real answer was so awful, they'd rather get something
               vague and argue about it forever.

Teddy:         It's all here, in the Video Testament!

(He hands Xaphod an old looking book, pops about a dozen valiums, and
then switches on a nearby TV set. He is watching 'Real People'.)

Arnold Lint:   The drugs?

Rod:           No, 'Real People', lowers the IQ so much that the brain
               just packs it in and you die.

Gillian:       Find the answer already!

        ******************** End Of Part 10 ********************

What is the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything? Why are we here?
Are we here? And why is it that vampires never attack Jewish
neighborhoods? For the answers to some of these questions . . . Tune in
next time . . .  same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.