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Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?internet/hitch06

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                     Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
                               Episode 6

(Flarg Brittashik is leading the crew of the Infinity down the contorted

Martin:     What an awful place, why do we bother to go on?

Flarg:      Actually, he's right. One of the things we Netrotheans
            proved was that the Net does not actually exist. It
            therefore follows that nothing we do really matters at all.

Arnold Lint:What?

Flarg:      Is that all you can say you mindless, facial emation!

Rod:        What do you mean "we don't exist"?

Flarg:      Well, first we approached the problem assuming that we were
            a unique Net. There is none other like us in the entire
            domain of space, right?

Rod:        Right . . .

Flarg:      Well, if we are alone, how do we know we are? Without
            another Net to tell us we are, we may not be. We could just
            be the figments of our imaginations. How do you KNOW that
            that cat over there does in fact have 5 legs? You see it,
            but what's to say that it is actually there. Do you follow?

What Flarg Brittashik was pointing out was the famed five-legged cat of
Felix Major. The "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that the
myth of the five-legged cat was actually the result of the heavy
Felix Major is covered with a blue slime which eventually dissolves her
mate if contact is maintained for too long. Because of this, the men on
Felix Major spend a lot of time in bars discussing the differences
between being Kosher and being a Cannibal. They tend to drink an awful
lot while discussing this topic. In their usually intoxicated state, it
s not difficult to mistake a cat for having a fifth leg if viewed  side
Hikers Guide To The Net" also points out that the favorite drink on
Felix Major is called the 'Intesto-rout'. It is mixed as follows: Mix
equal parts of gin, whiskey, rye, vodka, rum, bourbon, and brandy. Add a
cup of beer that has been left in a gym locker for 3 days. To this add 5
Ex-Lax pills, 1 Valium, 2 No-Doz, and half a lid of grass. Mix it well
n a Hamilton Blech mixer. Now add a rotten egg, a decaying guppy, the
Again mix it all up. To add a bit of zip to the mixture, add some
Drain-O. Now put the whole mixture under a dead horse for 37 hours.
After it has aged, filter it through the right kidney of a rabid llama
and serve it in a slightly soiled bed pan with an olive. Felix Major,
quite obviously developed quite a drunk driving problem. The solution
arrived at was simple and logical. They simply ground up offenders and
added them to 'Intest-rout's. Rumor has it that this extra ingredient

Arnold Lint:It's the old "Does a falling tree make a sound if there's no
            one there to hear" story, right?

Flarg:      Ooo! 'The falling tree makes no noise!' Aren't we the
            smart-behinded little cretins!

Flarg:      Actually, he's quite correct. We were not happy with finding
            out that we may be alone, so we then assumed that there was
            the possibility for an infinite number of varied Nets.

Gillian:    How nice.

Flarg:      Yes, well, it now became apparent that our one little Net
            was entirely insignificant in the scope of things in
            general.  Mathematically, our percentage of existence
            amounted to 1 over infinity, which is too small to even
            consider.  Worse yet, since no other Net has ever contacted
            us, we may REALLY not exist after all. We could REALLY be
            mirages of the cosmic mind.

Flarg:      Quiet, you drugged out excuse to evacuate my stomach on the

Rod:        Go on already!

Flarg:      Well, after taking many heavy drugs, we finally arrived at a
            solid decision.

Gillian:    What was it?

Flarg:      We agreed that our existence was so insignificant that
            anything we did really wouldn't matter. Hence our national
            slogan changed to "Who Cares". After all, in light of
            everything I've revealed to you, it must be perfectly
            obvious that it just doesn't matter what you do or say on
            the Net.

Arnold Lint:Boy, I hope the rest of the Net doesn't hear that.

Flarg:      Oh, they did. That's why they attacked us and wiped out most
            of Netrothea. They just couldn't accept that all the fuss
            they were making really didn't amount to a damn thing.

"The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" points out that the Netrotheans were
non-existence fetish, they published a series of treatises titled: "Who
s this guy God anyway?", "Everything you always wanted to know about
the benevolent Lord, but were afraid to ask.", and "Well, that's it for
God." The Netrotheans had no fears of being wiped out for their bizarre
views. They believed that since what we call 'death' is theoretically
nfinite, and what we call 'life' is so finite and miserable (what with
everybody wearing digital watches and coveting thy neighbor's bits of
backwards. They therefore had no problems dealing with the after-life.

Flarg:      Now if you really want to blow your mind, consider this: If
            the Net doesn't really exist, do we exist? If we exist, what
            is the point of our existence? What is the medium of our
            communication if there really is no Net? What does it all

Arnold Lint:I don't know?

Rod:        That's obvious.

Martin:     I'm kind of relieved that nothing really exists. It's sort
            of reassuring to know that all the misery I've endured on
            the Net really doesn't affect anything anyway.

Gillian:    Quiet Martin. Don't you know what this all means! It means
            that the constant day to day struggle to keep up with the
            Net is all pointless. Posting news is futile, reading news
            is futile, thinking about news is futile - because where
            ever the news came from or goes to, what ever thought up the
            news - none of it exists - and neither do we!

Rod:        Yah, just think. We may have been posting news to a void!

Flarg:      We thought of that too. But consider the odds against our
            actual existence. They could be considered random at best.
            The odds of other beings also existing comes down to the
            same random probability.  It follows that any communication
            would have to be a random coincidence. Now, consider that
            the only communication we see is simply processed electrical
            impulses.  Consider the quantity and speed of the impulses.
            The odds against them coming together in a logical
            combination are astronomically bad. It follows, then, that
            what we mistake for communication with other beings (which
            don't exist either) are simply galactic burps in our faces,
            if we existed.

Flarg:      Well, you wastes of space, I've got to go and kick my dog
            through a hedge.

(With that Flarg disappears in a burst of purple smoke. When the smoke
clears, only a can of "Putrina Rat Chow" remains.)

        ******************** End Of Part 6 ********************

What other fantastic things (which don't exist) will be revealed on
Netrothea (which also doesn't exist). To find out . . . Tune in next
time (a bizarre concept, time) . . .  same Net-time . . . same