If you enjoy these please feel

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?internet/hitch01

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                      Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
                        Episode 1 - First Meeting

One day, not long after tomorrow, Arnold Lint was busy scrolling through
the seemingly infinite reaches of the Net. All of a sudden the news
noise began to emanate from his terminal.  "This is it", he said to

(Arnold Lint regains consciousness, only to find himself in the company of
an odd trio. One of the trio is an apparently normal human male (named Rod
third is also a normal male (named Xaphod Gronklebox), except for a third,
mechanical, arm and a 12" CRT on his shoulder that keeps scrolling "Pieces
of Eight, Pieces of Eight".)

Rod:        Evening all! I'm Rod Perfect, awfully rude of you imploding on
            us this way, you silly twit.

Arnold Lint:Sorry. Am I dead?

            net-landers so stupid. If you were dead would I be talking to
            you? I'm Xaphod Gronklebox, the famous inter-net-al criminal
            and dog molester - you must have heard of me.

Arnold Lint:Actually, no, I haven't.

            Infinity, isn't it wild. Just imagine the places we can go in
            this baby.

(Rod notices that Arnold's eyes are transfixed on the young woman)

Rod:        Her name's Gillian, at least that's what she wants to be
            called.  Actually, her real name is Gertrude Floogie, but she
            didn't like it, so she changed it.

(Arnold Lint detects a mechanical sound to his right. A robot soon walks
nto view)

Robot:      My name is Martin. I am sure you will have an absolutely awful
            time on this node, I always have. I do not know why they
            insist on trying to do things to change the Net, they can only
            make it worse.  No matter what happens, some one always says
            something stupid and ruins everything. Then someone else feels
            obliged to a rebuttal, and on and on it goes. How awful.
            Still, what do you expect from an imperfect Net.

Rod:        Martin is a bit, well, depressing.

Martin:     That's right, ridicule me. See what I care. I'm only an
            android. Just another example of cruelty in this awful Net.

(The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines cruelty as having to see
constant repetitions of the same salutary comment in more than 20
messages.  History shows that a war was fought over the repetition of the
their pelvis screwed to a cake stand while they are forced to watch

Arnold Lint:Well, what do we do now?

            now starts repeating "Polly want a sedative, Polly want a
            sedative") There's supposed to be all sorts of wild and
            amazingly great things in that place!

Rod:        Martin, set course for Netrothea!

Martin:     All right, but you're not going to like it.

Gillian:    What will we find on Netrothea?

            that we can sell to the Net for millions.

Arnold Lint:A stock pile of what?

            data has been accumulating over the centuries. Just imagine
            the amazingly amazing philosophical Net-discussions that it
            stored.  I mean, the Net is the focal point of all wisdom.
            Just think of all that smart stuff! Wow!

( The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" insists that the focal point of all
knowledge in not the Net itself. Rather, it is the fourth stall in the
mens room in Grand Central Station. No one has ever been dumb enough to
nasty laws suits.)

            billions, trillions, . . . .

(Xaphod begins to shake violently and froth at the mouth, then he falls
over backward. A few seconds later he comes to.)

Rod:        You all right?

Arnold Lint:Looked more like Flamers-syndrome to me.

Gillian:    If we're going to go, lets go already.

Martin:     Do we really have to?

Rod:        YES!

(Just as the node starts on it's way, a host of flame-shaped vessels
became visible on the scanners)

Rod:        Funny you should mention Flamers-syndrome.

Gillian:    What are they?

            anything, no matter how pointless or unimportant it is. If
            they catch us, we could suffer permanent brain damage, or
            worse yet - join the Moral Majority

Arnold Lint:So this it it, we're all going to die!

Martin:     I told you that you would like it.

Others:     Oh Shut Up!

         ******************** End Of Part 1 ********************

Will Arnold and his new travelling companions escape the Flamers? Or will
they end up playing rock albums backwards at 66.6 RPM? For the answers to
these, and countless other pointless questions . . . Tune in next time . .
.  same Net-time . . . same Net-channel