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Smurf Genocide Volume rend smush be

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/smurfkil.hum

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/`									     `/
`/			  Smurf Genocide Volume #1:			     /`
/`    rend them, smush them, beat them, mash them, squish them, eat them!    `/
`/									     /`
/`		      Written by: The Radioactive Snail 		     `/
`/			   of TP&the Heartbreakers			     /`
/`									     `/
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  You must be familiar with it.  The blue things with ugly hats and no gonads.
Every Saturday morning without fail, these disgusting creatures pollute the
airways of public television with their disgusting thinking and smurf logic.
Yes, they are THE SMURFS.  This menace must be stopped, it is more urgent than
Communism, more dangerous than revolts in the Middle East, more disgusting than
"Videodrome".  Yes, it is a blotch on modern civilizaton, and we hope this file
tradition (long live apple pie).

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  ...  John woke in a cold sweat.  It was 3:35 in the morning, and he sat bolt
upright in bed, panting, eyes darting to the dark corners of the room, searching
for the revolting creatures that just a second ago had been penetrating into his
turned on the light, all safe, not a trace of blue in the entire room.	A relif.
He walked out into the hall, and into the kitchen.  Turning on the kitchen
light, he saw his sisters stuffed smurf.  He lunged for a butchers knife, and
mpaled the disgustingly cuddly creature on its point, and tossed it into the
cusinart.  An evil, but satasfied grin came to his face as he saw the shreds of
blue fur rent and torn by the spinning blades of destruction..

  Satisfied, he opened the refrigerator and reached for the jelly and got some
bread out of the cabnet.  On the way to the toaster, his hand froze, and the
label..  The BLUE label.  He shriked, and jumped back in terror, the jelly was
oozing towards him, slowly..  slowly..	Plungin his hand into the sink, he madly
ron-bristeled brush.  Dabbing off the blood, and water, he backed slowly away
from the oozing jelly into the living room where he clicked on the television.

  ...  Immediatly the accursed sound of the smurfs chanting reached his ears,
and he dived for his dad's antique 12 gauge on the wall, pumping several bullets
nto the huge bigscreen television on the floor..  As the tube faded out, he
caught a glimpse of several smurfs, hands joined, dancing in a circle.	All was

  Was that a glimmer of BLUE he saw from the left.  Slowly, deliberatly, he
trigger several times.	BLAM BLAM!  Bits of blue shredded paper flew in all

  Rushing back through the kitchen to escape the carnage of the living room, he
Another three shots, and disgusting crunchy red balls were spraying the walls.
But he knew his mission, he slowly walked down the hall, shoving his sister out
of the way, walking into her room, to confront the four foot stuffed smurf in
there placidly, watchin him with bugging eyes, then began to fall..  fall..
falling foreward, the bloated blue mass..  falling...  he raised the gun, and
brought it to bear, falling..  falling..  he squeezed the trigger again, and
again, and again..  A loud click resounded from the firing chamber, and the blue
mass continued to fall unchecked..  He screamed, and fell to the floor...

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Smurf <-- normal smurf

frumS <--  smurf turned inside out

Sfmru  <--  blended smurf (blender, or cuisinart)

S  r
 m    <--  squished smurf
f   u
__   __
  |S|
  |m|
  |u| <--  smurf nailed into ground
  |r|
  |f|
  |_|

|      |
|uSu  f| <-- two blended smurfs in a shake
|mrfSrm|
\------/

_   _	__    _   ___
 |S| |m|  |ur| |f|     <-- smurf squished into ground
  -   -    --	-

      m
      u
      r   <-- decapitated smurf
  S.  f

   SSSSSS
  mmmmmmmm
 uuuuuuuuuu  <--- smurf under telephone directory
  rrrrrrrr
   ffffff

 ________________________
|  __________________	 |
| |S	   r	    m| ' |
| |		     | o | <-- smurf in microwave
| |u		   f | . |
| |__________________|	 |
|________________________|


   Sm
  urf.	<--- smurf turd



	    <-- nuked' smurf


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What does it take to make a dead smurf float?


Why did the dead smurf cross the road?


Whats the difference between unloading a truckload of dead smurfs and a
truckload of bowling balls?


Why do smurfs boil water when smurfette is pregnant?


How do you fit ten thousand dead smurfs in a telephone booth?


How do you get them out?


Whats red and blue, squirms, and sits in a corner?


Whats blue, green, and sits in a corner?


Whats red, blue, and hangs from the celing?


Why do you put a smurf in a blender feet first?


Whats the perfect gift for a dead smurf?


Whats red, blue, and goes round and round?


Whats red and blue, bubbly, and scratches on the window?


Whats blue, slimy, and smells like Smurfette?


What do you get when you have two little blue balls in your hand?


What do you to with a smurf with no arms or legs?


Whats the blue stuff between Bambi's toes?


Whats invisible and smells like smurfberries?


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Support your local WSG orginization (World for Smurf Genocide) in the
continuing saga of smurf destruction.

The WSG motto:

	      " ... The only good smurf is a dead smurf ... "

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Written by: The Radioactive Snail of TP&the Heartbreakers
Credits to: Clone Ranger

Call:

The Last Dimension AE ........................ [10megs] 214/827-5249 ind.p/w

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(*)--------------------------------------------------------------------------(*)
 |			  Smurf Genocide Volume II			      |
 |	 Rend them smush them beat them; bend them mush them eat them!	      |
 |									      |
 |				 Written by:				      |
 |			       [mr.  sandman]				      |
 |									      |
 |			      Original credits to:			      |
 |				  RSofTP&theH				      |
 |									      |
 |			      A Get Smart Production			      |
(*)--------------------------------------------------------------------------(*)

  Jason whirled and looked over his shoulder.  He was exhausted from the strain
of his quest to eradicate all of the pesky blue menace.  There!  Something had
moved.	He drew his Gerber Guardian without thinking about it and searched the
landscape for the source of the rustle.  He had been waiting for this moment all
of his life.  Jason looked and looked until at last he had become convinced that
the little bugger was gone.  And then he saw it.

  His eyes locked with the black beady ones of the little tiny little fiend.
For a moment he was frozen.  Then with a gleeful laugh Jason pounced.  The Smurf

  Jason's knife plunged into the ground where the apparition from hell had just
evil, somethig only one of the damned could make.  The Smurf squealed again and
cried...

  "That's smurfy!"

  Jason was dizzy with hate and anger at this mockery.	He reached into his
backpack and felt around for something that felt nasty and destructive.  He felt
anti-Smurf fletchette grenade.	Excellent choice he thought to himself.  Jason
abomination.  The Smurf's eyes widened and it ran away in vain to try to escape
this incendiary doom.  BOOM!  Little fragments of Smurf-bane blew outwards in
all directions.  Some bounced off Jason harmlessly but some struck the Smurf in
the back of his head.

  Jason watched with fascination as the Smurf's once aquamarine head slowly
turned into a deep ruby color.	After a while he decided he should resume his
quest for the final a annihilation of all Smurfs.  He decided to walk north.

  After that the day was basically uneventful.	He decided to make camp and
build a fire.  He got a nice fire going and he noted how much nicer it would
E.  Darn" he said to no one.  He stuck a TV dinner over the fire and let it
cook.  After eating it in silence and throwing the container on the ground, he
climbed in bed and tried to go to sleep.  He tossed and turned, tried counting
continued.

  It was familiar...  Yes he knew what it was!	He could just barely make it
out.  The music went "La la  la la la la, la la la la la."

  He leaped out of bed with a flash of rage and grabbed his backpack arsenal.
Jason cried, "I'm going to nuke you till you glow, you slimy little bastards!
Geiger Counter.  He waved it furiously until he picked up readings of the
Smurfs.  He followed the readings and dashed as fast as he could through the

  Then he saw them...  It wasn't just a group of Smurfs.  He had before him

  Jason went into a frenzy.  He withdrew packets of Smurf-napalm and hurled them
all over the village.  The Smurfs screamed with terror as their kin sizzled to a
crisp.	"I'm going to raze your whole village for what you scum did to John!
You ripped his arms and legs out after he was unconsciou and then took his
organs and made Smurf cakes out of them!  Die!	Die!  Die!" After a few moments
of hurling this liquid fire everywhere at once he discovered that he had no more
left.  "Damn!" he cried.  Not to be discouraged from the fun that lay ahead of

  With peals of laughter he pulled both triggers at once and the ground all
around erupted.  It was as if it was the end of the world and for the Smurf
village it was.  He noticed how on TV the bullets just made holes in things but
the air as if dynamite had exploded in them.  Jason decided that this was much
more than he had hoped for.  The bullets went wild going in all directions at
once chopping down small trees and tearing holes in the ground.

  The Smurfs that took direct hits had merciful deaths.  Their bodies were
the ground towards their maker.  But the ones who had the schrapnel from houses
and trees hit them suffered.  For at least a few seconds that is, whereupon they
the village or at least those who escaped death.  Jason considered destroying
the village utterly but then he had a better idea.  He reached into his backpack
and withdrew several Smurf-sensing mines.  He remembered reading in the Smurf
Munitions Handbook that they operated by sensing how far apart the two legs
t was a Smurf.  If it was a Smurf that had had the misfortune to step on it it

  Jason planted these in the houses that remained intact or nearly intact and in
the stupid little schmucks to get what they deserved.  It was nearly 12 hours
before they did but Jason reasoned that seeing the Smurfs going up like fuses
miscellaneous objects!	He decided that it was just a fluke, perhaps a faulty
mine.  But soon it became apparent that none of the mines were going off
anywhere, even in the most well travelled places.  He jumped from out of the
blind he had been hiding in and roared like a hedge hog out of anger.  This time
the Smurfs had a chance to scatter before he could attack them.  He didn't care
anymore.  He had wanted to see the Smurf go up like a fuse just like it said in
the Smurf Munitions Handbook.

  Jason walked over to one of the houses that had been booby trapped.  He looked
nside.  It looked that same as it had when he had planted the mine.  He
kicked the mushroom walls away contemptuously to get a better view of the
nside.

  Jason stomped his boot onto where the mine was.  Nothing happened.

  He grabbed a stick and poked the mine.  Nothing happened.

  He took two fingers just like Smurf leg and pushed them down onto the
mine.

  The last thing that Jason heard before he passed on from this world to the
next was the Smurfs laughing and chanting 'La la la la la la, la la la la la.'

A Get Smart Production

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Last Dimension AE = Sysop:  Radioactive Snail = 10 megs = 214-827-5249
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