might have been more but always

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/roommates

     Well, my first year of college is over, and I must say, not one roommate
might have been more tolerant, but I always seem to wind up with the same
type of jerk that guzzles my root beer, is rude to my friends, never gives
me my phone messages, and fills my fridge with contraband substances. 
     Over the past few months, I have compiled a list of everything that I
learned that Housing and Dining doesn't check to see if roommates are even
the least bit compatible, and that little form they make you fill out is
that I give you my official...
                      Guide to Getting
                Rid of Unwanted Jerk Roommates
     hiding in Canada. Stop. Look over your shoulder.
     Talk to them.
     up out of your seat. When he turns to look, fall back down 
     and grin.
     Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything 
     he owns to the ceiling.
     cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
     night. If your roommate says anything, tell him with
     a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
     "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
     arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that
     it is for your performance art class (or hit him with the wrench).
     your fridge with beer. Ask the RA if he'd like a Coke, open the
     fridge and pretend to be surprised; "Oh my, what's _this_ doing
     bring you food.
     Turn it off when you are.
     couple of weeks."
     if he is happy. Every five minutes.
     to come, pretend nothing happened.
     like glass and eat it front of your roommate saying it's a
     Coke bottle.
     a tricorder.
     trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash,
     find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash
     before you get hungry, demand that he reimburse you.
     a list of grievances.
     Accuse him of stealing them.
     stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. 
     Do so.  Keep this up for three weeks.
     dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
     start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
     a different voice from your own.
     there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe.
     If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty
     times while twitching violently.
     comfortable with, i.e., 65 F in the wintertime or below.
     Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
     your friends. Put special emphasis on "Senseless Violence."
     being run on the floor. Pretend to be pleasantly surprised when
     he is "killed" in the middle of the night because you forgot to
     lock the door.
     Gathering Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict" and play it
     at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that
     it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
     to the soundtracks.
     Close them as soon as you wake up.
     with burritos while reciting the Kuma Sutra in pig Latin.
     from various "political interests..." 
     the entire dorm room with it.
     soundtrack to Oklahoma at the loudest level.
     on your door.
     once learned how to diagnose psychological diseases by simply
     looking at people. Walk up to your roommate and whisper in his ear
     that the Mayo Clinic is only four hours away by air.
     just a fan, I'm a member".
     this, mutter "Well, it worked for Superman".
     moves in the room.
Author's Note:  This is intended for the purposes of humor only! DO NOT
     ACTUALLY DO THESE THINGS!!! Unless of course, if he deserves it. B-)