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PADDING YOUR PAPERS This is

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/paddingurpapers.txt

PADDING YOUR PAPERS
This is a file about making typed and printed text appear much longer than it 
really is. I'm sick of writing these fucking introductory paragraphs, so I'l 
just do it really half assed. Don't do anything I describe here, don't read this 
file, don't do drugs, don't break the law, you know the deal.
You can redistribute this text, but you have to leave this little diddly intact. 
Don't take credit for my work, and don't remove this heading. Thank you, come 
again.
In this text I frequently use the words volume and mass. It's a lot like the 
scientific definition, in that mass is how many actual words you have and volume 
is how much space you take up. We're going for low mass, high volume products 
here. Oh, yeah. There's content. That's how much actual thought there is. High 
mass, high volume, low content is good, too.
One more thing. As proof that this works, I padded this paper (first I made it 
double spaced and everything) and I added another page. that's 120% of the 
origional.
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So, teacher says you have to hand in a six page report, and your's is only two 
pages long. What do you do? Sure, you could hand in the report as it is, and 
accept the grade you earned, but that's the moral, wussy way of handling things. 
A real nihilist would utilize deciet and padding to turn his failure of a paper 
into something that will actually get a passing grade.
Okay, first thing you shuld do is put your line spacing at double. This is a 
pretty standard thing to do, and if you forgot to include it, you add more 
volume to your paper. Also, is your font at 12 points? This, too is a pretty 
standard size, and if your below it, you could add more volume to your work. Do 
you double space after each period? Do so, and maybe you'll get another line. 
Just run a find and replace for ". " and trade it with ".  " if you want to add 
spaces after periods. These and many other tricks may not do anything on your 
word proscessor, because many newer programs use automatic full justification, 
meaning that they will change the letter spacing to fill lines that aren't hard 
returned, so there are no unsightly breaks in your text. Any word proscessor 
worth it's salt lets you turn off this feature.
Now that you've done everything your allowed to, it's time to break some rules. 
Margins are something that a lot of people overlook, and scooting them in a 
fourth of an inch can add lines to your paper. Be sure you do this before you 
write, because it will cause your lines to take on a strange and awkward format. 
This is caused when the automatic returns in your text are interpreted as hard 
returns. A higher quality word proscessor doesn't have this problem (I reccomend 
Word. The latest version is always best.)
Oh, and before I forget, there's something you should know. Most peoples' 
printers are of a much higher resolution that their monitors, so a change in 
font size or line spacing that's too small to see on our screen will make a 
difference when printed.
With that in mind, try changing your font size to 12.5 or 12.2, which may or may 
not show up on your screen. Some word proscessors, particularly those that suck, 
will only allow font sizes of integers, so that decimals won't work. If you've 
done every other trick in this text, then a font of 13 isn't a good idea, 
because it is incredibly obvious that your padding. Use your best judgement.
If you have big words at the ends of your lines, try throwing a few extra spaces 
into the line to nudge them to the next line down. DO NOT put five of these 
extraenious spaces in. Remember what I said about double spacing? Try spacing at 
2.3 between your lines. This definatly helps. If you haven't raised your font 
yet, you should do so according to how much you fuck with the line spacing. 2.3 
is a little more that 110% of normal, so your font size should be around 12.2 
points, that way the proportions look natural.
And while your raising the scale of everything, try 1.5 or 1.2 spacing between 
letters instead of just one.  Now, If one were to implement the typing of 
extraeniously verbose language (big words) he'd benefit less from this technique 
than the guy who just uses one syllable words, and has more spaces per line.
Well, that's about all the tricks I know that don't involve typing. If you have 
more, then drop me a line and let me know, and I'll put it in my next version of 
this text. But don't worry, kids, because there's more to come.
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All of these tricks involve manipulation of your writing, not your formatting, 
so that they will raise mass and volume, but you won't have to do anymore 
thinking than usual. These tricks must NOT be done on english teachers, because 
they all involve poor writing skills and organization, and english teachers will 
count against you severely for that. A chemistry teacher, a history teacher, 
whatever, will not count as much, and maybe not at all, leaving your grade only 
scratched. And, considering the shitty grade a half page report will give you, a 
scratch might not be at all bad.
Straw men, baby, that's what it's all about.  A straw man is a literary term 
used to describe an argument proposed simply to be knocked down. Now, why should 
you use straw men instead of writing? Because writing takes thought and energy, 
whereas straw men require only mindless typing. Did you catch that? I just used 
a straw man! I brought up writing your report when it wasn't necessary, and 
hence took up another line. A straw man is hardly a real thought, more like 
mindless rambling.
Try being repeditive when you type, but do it smoothly. Don't re-propose an 
argument in different words, re-explain it in different words. For example; 
"Water can be very dangerous for many reasons. If, for instance, somebody were 
to breathe liquid water, they would immediatly die. That is why if you were to 
stick your head into an ocean, you would die, because when you took a breath it 
would kill you."
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If you feel like writing, and you feel like thinking, but don't wanna go to the 
library, or do any serious research, then you still have a chance to cheat a 
little. Just find one source, say. . . some guy's report on the dangers of 
breathing water. Your report needs to be three pages log, and his is two pages. 
No problem, you can pad what you can't write. If your like me, you can write a 
page from a paragraph, by voicing your opinionson the subject. Do your report 
based on this guy's thing, and then when your teacher asks for a bibliography, 
just copy down the bibliography for the report! Brilliant, huh? You could 
theoretically do this with an encyclopedia arcticle, but the encyclopedia's 
sources are really heavy, as in old documents, technical books, things that a 
highschool student would never use for research. I'm posting reports I've done 
and the years I did them on my page eventually (I don't have a URL as of yet) 
for you to download and cheat off of (or just plain steal.)
That's it. If you wanna mail Suid, it's suid_lizard@yahoo.com
If anyone contributed this text to a search engine, search for the following 
string to see if there are more of my files for you to find. 
"rhese589ndeeboiyzz6547fneerjabbler"