US Brendan Oxymoron friend sent me

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/oxymoron.jok

From brendan@jolnet.ORPK.IL.US Thu Jun 22 13:36:27 1989
From: brendan@jolnet.ORPK.IL.US (Brendan Kehoe)
Subject: Oxymoron

( A friend sent me this...the reference at the end is, I believe, just a
ently).. )

{ed Many of these are not what is traditionally called an oxymoron on the
net, but they are mostly worth it.}


Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp"
                Moros = "dull"

"Oxymoron" = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise.

...a self contradicting phrase.

When large numbers of men are unable to find work, 
unemployment results.
                       Calvin Coolidge

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort 
of thing they like.
                        Abraham Lincoln

That that is is.

Why is this thus ?  What is the reason for this thusness ?

                        Artemus Ward

Ah well, they say its not as bad as they say it is.

Black Light

Left Handed Screwdrivers.

Striped paint.

Straight hooks.

Cooking glue.

...about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

compulsory volunteers

college student

That shoe fits him like a glove.

mpromptu speech.
                        Mark Twain

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what
t used to be.
                        Paul Valery

When one has good health it is not serious to be ill.
                        Francis Blanche

                        Belfast Graffito

Often it is fatal to live too long.

The first condition of immortality is death.
                        Stanislaw Lec

As famous as the unknown soldier.

Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really 
know what's going on.

                        Benjamin Disraeli

The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once.

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think
ts the one in the coffin."

The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams.

He lived his life to the end.

You always find something in the last place you look.

A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe.
"Just lost a shoe ?" she asked.
He answered, "Nope, just found one."

Classified add: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit.

trifling exception, is composed of others.
                        John Andrew Holmes

Some painters transform the sun into a yelow spot;
others transform a yellow spot into the sun.
                        Pablo Picasso

Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.
                        Stanislaw Lec

My play was a complete success.  The audience was a failure.

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
                        Ashleigh Brilliant

A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.
                        Arthur Schoperhauer

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
                        Ambrose Bierce

You can observe a lot just by watchin'.
                        Yogi Berra

                        Pliny the Elder

The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never
                        Wyndham Lewis

                        James G. Bennet

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that
man can never learn anything from history.
                        George Bernard Shaw

Trapped, like a trap in a trap.
                        Dorothy Parker

                        Jules Renard

You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself,
and how little I deserve it.
                        W.S. Gilbert

Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times.

Do not put statements in the negative form.
And don't start sentences with a conjunction.
   of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
De-accession euphemisms.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague.

Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me.

Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.

Young Man: Why do philosophers ask so many questions?
Old Philosopher: Why shouldn't philosophers ask so many questions?

What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow.

A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription:
"When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here."

"Have you lived in this village all your life?"
"No, not yet."

"Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?"
"We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago."

"Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!"

"Hey, Trixie, what's your earliest memory?"
"Umm... I don't remember!"

Overheard in hotel:
"It's eight o'clock, sir!"
"Why the devil didn't you tell me that before?"

                         Ashleigh Brilliant

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
                         Salvador Dali

Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore.  It's too crowded.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly 
                         Mark Twain

Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer:

Quick as a flashlight.

(When told his son was getting married)
Thank heaven.  A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

A hospital is no place to be sick.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

(when told a script was full of old cliches)
Let's have some new cliches.

("You say you've never mad a picture before?")
Yes, but that's our strongest weak point.

Gentleman, include me out.

A verbal contract is'nt worth the paper its printed on.

(on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him)
Why did you do that ?  Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!

Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you.

Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.

Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do?
Associate: Modern dancing.
Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned.

they're dead.

Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no 
            longer need.  May I have your permission to destroy all
            records before 1945?
Goldwyn:    Certainly.  Just be sure to keep a copy of everything.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

(on a film set of a tenement)
Goldwyn  : Why is everything so dirty here?
Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area.
Goldwyn  : Well, this slum cost a lot of money.  It should look
           better than an ordinary slum.

Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.

That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays
the golden egg.

Keep a stiff upper chin.

We have all passed a lot of water since then.

... we have that Indian scene.  We can get the Indians from the resevoir.

(in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour")
Goldwyn   :  Maybe we ought to buy it?
Associate :  Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians.
Goldwyn   :  That's okay, we'll make them Americans.

Don't worry about the war.  It's all over but the shooting.

Associate :  Its to caustic for film.
Goldwyn   :  To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it.

More sample and analysis (including a collection of visuals) can be 
found in "More on Oxymoron" by Patrick Hughes, 1983, Penguin books.

Brendan Kehoe
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.