uk Dave Nigel the Chapter seven

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/nigel.7

From davet@hrc63.co.uk Sat Jun 17 16:47:26 1989
From: davet@hrc63.co.uk (Dave Thorpe)
Subject: Nigel the Hedgehog, Chapter seven

		    The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog	
			      Chapter VII

Authors: Chapters I - VI > 
      Gary > Pete > Chris > Gary > Kelvin > Aktar > Gary > Chris >

Nigel reached into another sub-section of his utility belt - POTIONS.
until he finally found the one he wanted ... Diminishment potion. After
key-holes of the lab. Once inside Nigel's size changed back automatically
(good eh ?). The lab seemed very small and unlit save for a short stumpy
candle flickering in one corner. There was a strong wiff of some kind of
chemical Nigel didn't recognise ( he only did 'O' level Chemistry ) but
the light was too bad to make anything out. After switching on the
flourescent lights Nigel was horrified at the sight which presented itself.
("Hi my name's Simon , Simon the Sight" - sorry). Inside a large iron
vat in the corner of the lab there floated the remains of mutated sheep.
To his horror, Nigel recognised one of the warped, twisted hooves as that
of Nancy's. As Nigel peered into the vat he heard a creak from the other

"Hello nigel", uttered Fatlegs', this inoccuous phrase sounded like lost
Nigel cowered in fear in awe of the Grand Wizard Testicle of Chaos (so much
bigger than his own love plumbs). "Errrrr... all right I s'pose", hesistantly
a multi-lane pile up on the M25 in foggy conditions, "I know very well
GOD OF CHAOS AND A GOOD HARD SHAG I have decided to bless you with another
"Bestowed upon you will be the ancient power of COMEMUCHLATERANDWITHLOTSMORE-
SPUNK, this will enable you to get out of any tricky dead ends in the

The lab was a pretty normal lab, for a lab run by the Grand Wizard Testicle of
Chaos ( Fatlegsmason ), and owned by the overlord. Those of you who have seen
The room was about twenty metres square, although the dimensions seemed to
about appointments or lighting. Evil things could be half glimpsed in corners
and on tables ( eg. On one table was a lunchbox with Best Before : 20 BC on it,
and that just referred to the box ! ). It was indeed ... ( Time for Gary to
continue ) ...

Not only was there a dodgy chemical smell, but there was a distinct wiff
of MINCE (for the last two paragraphs). After thouroughly examining the
first room of the lab nigel went through the doorway into the adjacent

And the first thing he saw as he entered was a huge heap of MINCE! 
But even stranger than this were the innumerable number of testicles
that were apparently feeding on this mince. Nigel used his little known
and cried aloud "Oh no, this must be the grand wizard's breeding ground.
Obviously his plan is to take over the Earth with the aid of thousands of
assistants who will innocuously attach themselves to the genitalia of
male humans and control their brains from below. What a dastardly plan! No
noticed some strange creations that appeared to be half testicle and
n the plot. Now Nigel was in such a fiery rage that he no longer had any
control over his actions, he was ready for a fight and no mistake.

Nancy had been used by not only by that not-as-good-looking-as-our-hero
'boyfriend' and Fatlegsmason. Nigel reached for the relevant u-belt
be a bit painful if she attached herself to his super-sized gonads -
but stopped as someone came into the room.

Nigel recognised the oval shaped mass as Fatlegsmason, the friendly
"Hello Nigel, you're still here. It's very nice to see you" Fatlegs'
Nigel, no longer shaking, quickly asked, "Who do you work for Fatlegs' ?"
Fatlegsmason answered quite openly, "I serve The Overlord, his wish is
my command. I am a mere gonad wizard under his control."
"Who is The Overlord - and where can I find him ?" Nigel exaserpated.
"Oh he lives in the Castle F... ", then Fatlegs' disappeared as if

'Why, oh why are F words always censored ?', sighed Nigel, dejectedly. Still, 
Four miles to the East, known locally as the Castle of the Overlord ). Quite 
castles, he couldn't find it. However, a sheet of paper fell from between two
t e Hed ehog', Chapter 7. Most of the words were illegible, but he could just
make out the words 'The Castle Four Miles To The East, The Castle Of The 
Overlord'. So now he knew.

Ah-ha! he conjectured, The Castle Four Miles To the East, The Castle Of
The Overlord, hmmmmm. Well sod that for now, I have the problem of the
out his pair of size fifteen winkle-pickers and placed them on his feet.
He switched them on to "Kick the shit out  of those Gonads" power and
quaterpounders. That's a kick in the balls for the Overlord, thought
Nigel as he removed his faithfull winkle-pickers and left the lab of 
Fatlegsmason, the Grand Wizard Testicle of Chaos. Being a bit fed up of
autumn with the golden sunlight filtering through the copper leaves, the
the Forest Of Doom (as it was affectionately known by the locals). As
on which the Castle was perched, the scenery was grey and barren gravel with
a few rocks laying strewn around. In fact there was a strip of barren
land one hundred yards wide all around the mile thick pillar. Nigel
looked up into the sky and saw the pillar dwarf him and wondered how he
could ever scale it's sheer, black, smooth glass like finished,
lubricated with vaseline, perfectly cylindrical, thousand foot

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