# funny More Cambridge Quotes Jul GMT

## Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/math.2

```From: jch@computer-lab.cambridge.ac.uk
```
```Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
```
```Subject: More Cambridge Quotes
```
```Date: 15 Jul 90 23:30:08 GMT
```

```
```
```(contd..)
```

```and another one from a 1A Engineering maths lecture :
```
```"Graphs of higher degree polynomials have this habit of doing unwanted
```
``` wiggly things."
```
```
```
```"I don't want to go into this in detail, but I would like to illustrate some
```
``` of the tedium."
```
```
```
```From a _single_ seminar at the King's College Research Centre:
```
```"I'm sure it's right whether it's valid or not."
```
```"Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead."
```
```"I can see T is tending to infinity for you as well."
```
```
```
```"If I am incomprehensible then stop me, but if it's simply wrong then I don't
```
``` think that it matters."
```
```
```
```From a supervisor:
```
```"It's a standard question, made a bit harder by adding some A-level stuff."
```
```
```
```An introduction to the summation convention:
```
```"If you've got a problem with this then go back, write the whole thing out
```
``` using sigma notation and convince yourself that it's better not to have
```
``` problems."
```
```
```
```
```
```And from the University of Bath...
```
```
```
```"A one by one matrix has one column and one row, and the same number
```
``` in both. "
```
```
```
```"Using some hand-waving and symmetry ideas... "
```
```
```
```"You haven't written it in green - your notes will be wrong. "
```
```
```
```"Any Questions? [pause] You all look asleep - what is it,
```
``` hyperglucocemia? Too much sugar on your cornflakes? Not any
```
``` cornflakes? Never mind - I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed, so let's
```
``` continue."
```
```
```
```
```
```Meanwhile, back in Cambridge...
```
```
```
```  "This is known as the 'Toytown solution'.  Actually, there is a more
```
```   technical term for it ..."
```
```
```
```And from the DPMMS common room...
```
```
```
```"Of course this is true for more general values of 5"
```
```"Not so much a double coset table, more a pile of junk"
```
```
```
```A brief conversation -
```
```"What have we not got?"
```
```"No we have not"
```
```"No we don't"
```
```"We have not got not"
```
```"Ah, Not is what we have not got!"
```
```-Agreement followed.
```
```
```
```....what do they put in the coffee??
```
```
```
```
```
```From an applied maths supervisor (a part III student):
```
```  "All numbers are totally irrelevant, unless you're doing Astrophysics."
```
```  "However well you do [in your Tripos exams] you always find there's someone
```
```   from Trinity who's beaten you."
```
```
```
```been taught to this Part III lecturer at all!
```
```"Damn! I'm running out of integers!"
```
```
```
```******************************************************************************
```
```
```
```Anonymous supervisor, talking about Relativistic Electrodynamics:
```
```"There are some bits at the end of the course I don't really
```
``` understand, but the students don't normally get that far."
```
```
```
```From an EIST lecturer:
```
```"When you stick your fingers in the mains, its not the imaginary component
```
``` which you will feel"
```
```
```
```From substitute lecturer, replacing the scheduled appearance by Dr. X:
```
```"Good morning.  For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X;
```
``` I am Dr. X's representative on Earth."
```
```
```
```And from my source in Bath...
```
```
```
```"Now, I want you to look very carefully at what we have just proved.
```
``` What we have just proved is false." [slight pause while what he has
```
``` just said sinks in] "Oh dear, that's going to go onto the computer,
```
``` isn't it."
```
```
```
```        [ Fame at last ! ]
```
```
```
```"I'll give you a clue - it begins with `f' and rhymes with `factor'..."
```
```- Lecturer to a 1st year problem class
```
```
```
``` "The object of this lecture is to frighten half of you away."
```
```
```
``` "I wrote my first program in 1954, and that didn't work either."
```
```
```
``` "That is the total and absolute generalisation ... well, almost."
```
```
```
```
```
```Back in Cambridge, explanations are up to their usual standards...
```
```"Perhaps it would be best if this argument remained a deep mystery to you."
```
```"One property which we know very well happens; a+b=b+c."
```
```    (for all a,b,c?)
```
```"I shall explain this by waving my hands about in an appropriate manner."
```
```"What I've talked about today seems to be uniquely incoherent ...
```
``` I never know if you're as baffled as me, or if you're getting along fine."
```
```
```
```And our first candidate for the Sybil Fawlty prize for "Stating the Bleeding
```
```Obvious":
```
```"g inverse is called an inverse to g."
```
```
```
```"This is not really a convention, it's just the normal way of doing things."
```
```
```
```The things Cambridge does to a lecturer...
```
```"Dr. X hasn't lectured a Cambridge group before, so he might be quite
```
``` interesting."
```
```
```
```"Some students may feel that the contents of Question 33 are both dull and
```
``` useless. I must confess that my first impulse is to reply that it serves them
```
``` right for doing the fast course."
```
```
```
```From the wonderful world of IA Natsci:
```
```"Whenever the maths turns out to be impossible, you have to invent new
```
``` physics."
```
```
```
```A depressed first year...
```
```"I used to be without hope - but now various people have assured me
```
``` that failing the exams is more difficult than Green's functions."
```
```
```
```"There are ways of managing without cuts, but I do not think the present
```
``` Government is going to find them" - IB Complex variable, October 1979.
```
```
```
```"I've never tried dividing both sides by infinity before, so here goes."
```
```"It's OK to divide by zero, provided you don't cancel it."
```
```
```
```"It's a _real_ integer, not just any old integer."
```
```
```
```For once a quote meant to be humourous:
```
```"To a mathematician, PI is 1 and PI^2 is 10. 2*PI we're not quite sure about."
```
```
```
```Descriptions of assorted mathematicians:
```
```"He's not just an experimentalist. He's an antitheorist!"
```
```"He gets lost on random walks."
```
```"Some inspired joker - probably Maxwell."
```
```
```
```"This is the simple form. [pause] Well, it's simple in the sense that it leaves
```
``` out all the really important bits."
```
```
```
```"...as Poincare' proved at the beginning of this talk..."
```
```
```
```"This is obvious. But don't look at it too carefully, or it becomes unobvious,
```
```until you look at it for a long time when it becomes obvious again."
```
```
```
```"I need two hands to wave, not just one."
```
```
```
```"FORTRAN... Then, as now, the language used by scientists with real problems."
```
```
```
```"Suitably interpreted, this is an exact value."
```
```
```
```And from the depths of historical apocrypha...
```
```Supervisor (drawing a graph): "This function has no nodes."
```
```                              (Pause)
```
```                              "How does it smell?"
```
```
```
```A good enough philosophy of life:
```
```"Theoretical physicists tend to assume that Nature isn't as malevolent as
```
``` our pure mathematical examiners."
```
```
```
```The following shouldn't really be here but I couldn't resist it:
```
```Tourist outside DAMTP: "I think it used to be a church."
```
```
```
```"Bear with me until my starting transient has settled down into doing things
```
``` properly from the notes."
```
```
```
```"And now, a few examples of fatigue from [my] vast experience."
```
```
```
```Do we have a Dr. Hobson in the faculty?
```
```"If there is a choice, you've got to do it."
```
```
```
```"Different may mean the same."
```
```
```
```"A sphere isn't that simple when you get into higher dimensions
```
``` - it's a bit non-flat."
```
```
```
```And those fascinating results come thick and fast in this course:
```
```"There are 9 results in there - it looks like it's going to be tedious, and
```
`ndeed it is."`
```
```
```Sometimes I think they make Quantum Mechanics deliberately obscure...
```
```"There's a number down here which, for the sake of argument, we can
```
```call 1."
```
```
```
```"We have a correspondence that's nearly one-to-one."
```
```
```
```And a couple of remarks from the students...
```
```"Mathmos think of engineers a bit like lemmings...
```
```        ...they're both wooly and jump to the wrong conclusions."
```
```"I don't see the point of lecturers talking, except to resolve some of the
```
``` ambiguities in their handwriting."
```
```
```
```"Various people with suicidal tendencies can even integrate elliptic functions"
```
```
```
```Said of Algebra III:
```
```"This course could be viewed as 1001 things to do with your favourite matrix"
```
```
```
```The problems that the maths societies have to overcome to get their audience!
```
```"Why weren't you at the meeting?"
```
```"Because it was boring."
```
```"No it wasn't."
```
```"Well, it _should_ have been!"
```
```
```
```Oh, the joys of dual lecturing!
```
```"I was going to say 'the cream of the nation's youth', but they're probably at
```
``` the other lecturer."
```
```
```
```The secret of Pure Mathematics:
```
```"...interpreting out of all recognition..."
```
```
```
```The black art of applied mathematics...
```
```"It is traditional to leave the notation ambiguous."
```
```....and talking about the black arts...
```
```"For non-deterministic read 'Inhabited by pixies'."
```
```
```
```And if that wasn't confusing enough...
```
```"I thought I understood Newton's Third Law before that lecture."
```
```
```
```"This is equation 2, which implies that equation 3 comes someplace earlier."
```
```
```
```"Unless x is a banana or some other such object that commutes with A."
```
```
```
```And this year's honesty award must surely go for the following two gems from
```
```the same lecturer...
```
```"I'm going to make a small point in the corner of the board [does so], and come
```
``` back to it later!"
```
```And later...
```
```"The thing which caused me to write 'lies' in extremely small letters in the
```
``` corner of the board was..."
```
```
```
```And later still...
```
```"When you see this, you are entitled to go ` Y'what?! '."
```
```
```
```A possible candidate for the Tautology Award?
```
```"If we want to take the westerly winds into account, we could also do that
```
```using this method, but then we'd have to take the westerly winds into
```
```account."
```
```
```
```"This type of rotor is known as a squirrel-cage rotor because the way it's
```
``` wound looks like a bird cage."
```
```
```
```CompSci meets Zoology?
```
```"What we're trying to do is work things out about elephants."
```
```
```
```******************************************************************************
```
```
```
```A nomination for the Sybil Fawlty "Stating the Bleedin' Obvious" Prize:
```
```"A polynomial f is said to have degree m, written deg f equals m, if it does
```
``` have degree m."
```
```
```
```Now it is fairly well known that lectures are not supposed to be copied down
```
```mindlessly. But...
```
```"Recall word 2 of defn 2.1"
```
```But then again...
```
```"I know you all have very innocent minds, but occasionally a word should be
```
```allowed to wander through before reaching the paper."
```
```
```
```And on the subject of teaching styles:
```
```"Proof left as an exercise for your supervisor."
```
```
```
```And this year's first contenders for the Tautology award:
```
```"It's obvious that what I've just written down is obvious."
```
```"The fixed element can be said to be exactly what it is."
```
```
```
```Mathematical notation is a minefield of obscure symbols ranging over most
```
```alphabets and scriptstyles. Any guesses for which character was described by an
```
```undergraduate as:
```
```"It's a script spider"?
```
```
```
```And with the reading problems come the corresponding writing ones suffered by
```
```these lecturers:
```
```"My script 'y's always end up looking like rabbits."
```
```"Little mouse tensored with piece of cheese."
```
```
```
```However, good notation has its rewards as described by this lecturer:
```
```"The prime leaps on to the other factor in a most convenient fashion."
```
```
```
```And now, back to the content of the lecture courses:
```
```"You can hardly underestimate the importance of this."
```
```"I've got a lot to say about this theorem, so don't stop me if I go too fast."
```
```"Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is"
```
```
```
```Three from the same lecturer who is clearly having real problems...
```
```"What am I doing? I haven't written any damn thing yet - I've just written
```
``` total rubbish."
```
```"What am I talking about? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? This
```
``` is rubbish."
```
```"Every time I go to the board with these notes I write down something completely
```
``` different."
```
```
```
```Hmmm... do I detect someone almost as cynical as myself?
```
```"Theoretical physicist - a physicist whose existence is postulated, to make the
```
``` numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in the laboratory."
```
```
```
```A IB Chemistry lecturer, refering to a previously derived equation.
```
```"This is rigorous.  Well, it's rigorous in the sense that ... All right,
```
``` it's not rigorous."
```
```
```
```Certain calulations will always be CPU intensive...
```
```"This principle is sometimes known as assuming the CIA is paying our computing
```
``` bills."
```
```
```
```Letter from an editor:
```
```"I very much regret to inform you that the review procedure of your paper
```
```'Approximation of Delay systems by Fourier-Laguerre series', is incurring a
```
```
```

```The end (as of 5th July 1990).
```

``