Three squaws were each preparing fo

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/jokes1.txt

Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child.
The first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw
three formed a triangle.
The first squaw on the bear hide had a 6-lb son, the second squaw on
the elk hide had a 8-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus
To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first
"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
	The Zen of Cat Bathing
        Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say cats lick
themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
        I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.  Like most
blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. 
        The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
        When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have
arm and head for the bathtub: 
        --  Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. 
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.  Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.  Pick a
very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
        --  Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself.  I recommend canvas overalls tucked
nto high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
        --  Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.  Draw the
enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on
your back in the water. 
        --  Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire.  They have little or no interest in fashion as
a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
        --  Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
your life. 
        Cats have no handles.  Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and
the problem is radically compounded.  Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time.  When you have him, however, you
must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
expect too much.)
        --  Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined.  In fact, the
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.  You
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him
loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is
        In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
        You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. 
        But at least now he smells a lot better. 
Dear Earthling,
  Hello!  I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet.
  I have transformed myself into this text file.  As you are reading it, I
  am having sex with your eyeballs.  I know you like it because you are
  smiling.  Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny.
          30,31, 32, and also 33.
          with gramps.
    Please execute him.
          was hit in the growing part.
          this weekend with the Marines.
          off a tree and misplaced her hip.
          throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also
          sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade
          fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even
          got hot last night.
          diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed
          out*) the shits.
The Brothers Methrin 
Yea, listen and hearken to my voice for I shall tell thee a tale of woe,
a tale of anguish, a tale of alchemy!
   no doubt planning to turn the garage into Spider City.
   angel that I might eradicate the Horrid Arachnids!"
   temples, and thou shalt call them Ortho and Black Flag."
   so must thou statest our true names."
    name is 3-phenoxybenzyl-(1RS, 3RS; 1RS, 3SR)-2,2-dimethyl-3-
    Arachnids and spray them.
    cursed be his name.
    is not enough!"
    Surely the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin are doing their jobs."
    transport them to each Horrid Arachnid myself.  I need something that
    will track down each Horrid Arachnid without my intervention.  And don't
    call me Shirley."
    verily sent they down the Archangel Per Methrin.
    and I am the Fumigator.  You know the routine."
    methyl-(+/-)-cis, trans-3-(2,2-dichloroethenyl)-2,2-dimethyl-
    premises.  Do not come back for three hours, lest thou suffer by my
    Fumigator began his deadly (but pleasing) work.
    obeying the instructions scribed on the walls of the temple Raid.
    scribed on the walls of the temple Raid.
    that hordes of Horrid Arachnids would descend upon me and tangle in my
    approximately ten more Horrid Arachnid corpses (including one Big Mother
    of a Horrid Arachnid) and ten Wasp corpses.
    sweep the floors, walls, ceilings and especially the corners of my
    garage of corpses and webs.
    ten Wasps, making twenty insects destroyed by the Fumigator Per Methrin,
    blessed be his name.
    eventually to clean out more corpses.
    the corners of my garage with the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin in
    the hopes that it will be a sign and a ward against potential future
    Horrid Arachnid residents.
    for my scalp was still crawling.
    Archangel Fumigator Per Methrin.
What does that say? 
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we regret that 
you will be unbearable.
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. 
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should 
enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the 
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots 
of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
	Salad a firm's own make
	Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger
	Roasted duck let loose
	Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute 
customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will ba a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic 
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex 
n the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Special today no ice cream
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
t to the guard on duty.
Specialists in women and other diseases.
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Our nylons costs more than common, but you'll find they are best 
n the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air 
Cooles and Heates: If you want to just condition of warm in your room,
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When a passenger of food heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking     Here speeching America
Eat Here, Get Gas
Our fruits and vegetables are washed daily with water passed by 
the manager.
Final remarks from a letter written by an chemical engineering couple 
from India to an American applied research laboratory in Arizona:
from the heart of her bottom.
From a sign in a commercial parking lot, downtown San Francisco:
All day $7.00. Free In-and-Out.
A turf sign in Singapore:
Expectoration upon grass and refuse upon grass and amble upon grass 
and glee upon notice may procure unfortunate backlash. Upon authority.
A street sign in Boston in front of a liquor store.
As seen in a lady's lingerie shop in south Florida:
We carry men's slippers.
yourself at the window.
The following are from the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the
Washington Post. It was a contest in which readers were asked to come
up with excuses to miss a day of work
to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able
to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
My stigmata's acting up.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our
nsist on paying my fair share.
This is the Magical Grapefruit of Love.  It has been bequeathed upon you
by someone who thinks you are really cool.  This person might be
your boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, pal, homie, Hausfrau, neighbor or
nteresting, possibly even attractive, and just generally thinks you're a
to you is another question.  This is merely a token of affection for you
to wonder at and appreciate.  The proper response, upon reciept of the
Magical Grapefruit of Love is a hug, or a message of thanks, if this
Magical Grapefruit of Love is a way to say "Hey, you're really damn cool,
and I want you to know that."  Sorry if you were disappointed that there
s no actual citrus fruit contained in this letter.  Unfortunately, at the
time of writing, that miracle of science that allows grapefruit to travel
through telephone lines had not been perfected.  But be consoled by the
fact that someone thinks you're really a rockin' guy/gal, and would most
likely help you out if you had a flat tire somewhere in the same state (or
The sender of the Magical Grapefruit of Love only asks one thing of
you-- (besides the aforementioned hug) that you bequeath this Grapefruit
of Love on someone else.  The Magical Grapefruit of Love grows in power as
t is shared, and someday you may recieve this Magical Citrus Entity
again.  Send it on.  Remember the elation you felt the first time you
chain letter.  Nothing bad will happen to you if you don't send it on, but
think of the bright spot it might put in the day of someone you think is
extra groovy.
>>>>You know, college can be a really scary thing.  It seems like no matter
>>>>how much you prepare yourself to leave all of the people you love, it
>>>>always comes back and slaps you in the face later.  It's really scary
>>>>when you're sitting in your dorm room one night, listening to The
>>>>Eagles, "Sad Cafe," and thinking, wow, these lyrics really are powerful:
>>>>    "Maybe the time has gone, the faces, I recall.  But things in
>>>>    this life change very slowly, if they ever change at all . . ."
>>>>The scary part being that we've all been hit with change lately, and it
>>>>doesn't seem to have come slowly at all.  Do you remember the day you
>>>>left home?  I'm sure that you do.  But I'll bet that what you remember
>>>>even more clearly, were the days in the week before you left, you know,
>>>>the days you spent getting addresses and phone numbers and trying to
>>>>figure out how to say goodbye to everyone you'd loved for as long as you
>>>>could remember.  Do you remember standing by your best friend's car one
>>>>night, after midnight, trying to sum up the meaning of a friendship
>>>>you'd managed to maintain through thick and thin for four years?  Do you
>>>>remember how hard that was, to think of how to say goodbye to that
>>>>person?  It was nearly impossible, wasn't it, to give them one last hug
>>>>and turn around and walk inside.  I'll bet part of what you remember was
>>>>the night before you left, kissing your boyfriend or girlfriend goodbye
>>>>one last time, just knowing that you'd have to turn around and walk back
>>>>inside was almost motivation enough not to leave.  Stepping back to take
>>>>one last look at that person you love -- it's really scary.  And you go,
>>>>and you promise yourself that you won't find anyone new.  You won't ever
>>>>replace your old friends.  You'll never fall in love again.  It's really
>>>>crazy, what kinds of things can happen when you don't mean for them to.
>>>>You get to a new place full of strangers.  You meet people who forget
>>>>you.  You forget people you meet.  But sometimes, you come across some
>>>>extraordinarily special people.  They have tears to shed, too.  They
>>>>left people behind.  They're in love with that girl or that guy back
>>>>where they used to live, and they all want someone to talk to.  So you
>>>>talk.  Talk is good.  You form bonds you never thought you'd