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Did you know that scientists have

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/jokes

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	Did you know that scientists have discovered that AIDS is not
a disease?  It's a miracle -- it turns fruits into vegetables.

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	Doctors have announced that their original diagnosis that Rock
Hudson has AIDS was in error.  He really has food poisoning - he got a

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	A doctor calls up his patient and says, "Joe, I've got some bad
news and some worse news."
	Joe replies, "Well gee doc, give me the bad news first, I guess."
	The doctor says, "Your test results came back and you only have
	"Oh no!  Well whats the worse news?", asks Joe.
	The doctor says, "We've been trying to get a hold of you since
yesterday!"

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	Did you know Michael Jackson has his own shampoo? It's
called "Head & Smolders"

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	What's old and wrinkled and smells like ginger?
	Fred Astaires' face.

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	What's 12-12-12 ?   Miss Ethiopia.

	What's the definition of optimism ?
	An Ethiopian with a dinner jacket.

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	A lady walks into a pro shop and says she would like some golf
lessons.  The pro takes her out to the driving range and tells her to
a nice straight shot right down the middle of the fairway.  The pro says,
OK, that was real good.  Now take the club out of your mouth, put it in
your hand, and we'll go for distance.

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        Q. What's the difference between an Italian woman and Bigfoot?

	A. One is 6' tall, covered with matted hair, and smells bad.
	   The other one has big feet.

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	Q. What do you call an Ethiopian wearing a turban?

	A. A Q-tip.

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	Q. How many Ethiopians can you put in a shower?

	A. It's hard to tell - they keep slipping down the drain.

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	Q. Who killed more indians than Custer?

	A. Union Carbide.

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	Q. What is the Union Carbide corporate theme song?

	A. One little, two little, three little indians...

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	Q. What did Helen Keller say while making love to her new boyfriend?

	A. Funny, you don't feel Jewish.

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	The doctor says to the patient while placing his
	stethoscope, "Big breaths."
	The patient replies "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen!"

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	Q. What do you call a midget fortune teller who escapes from prison?
	A. A small medium at large.

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	Q. How did Helen Keller cut off her hand?

	A. Reading the stop sign at 55 mph.

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        Removed due to cornyness


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        Removed due to tastelessness


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	Q. Do you know why the National Hockey League drafted Indira Ghandi?
	
	A. Because she stopped seven shots in four seconds.

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	Q. What was John Lennons' last hit?

	A. The pavement.

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	Q. What do you get when you cross Richard Pryor and Ella Fitzgerald?

	A. Cinderella

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	Q. What kind of birth control does Mr. Spock use?

	A. A Vulcanized rubber.

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	Q. What do Richard Pryor, Michael Jackson and Hotlips Hoolihan
	   all have in common?

	A. Major Burns.

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	A little boy came into the house and said, "Mommy, how much air does
            and  airedale need?"
	"I don't know.", she answered, "Why?"
	"Because I just saw one pumping up another one."

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	Australia - where men are men and sheep are nervous

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	Mommy, Mommy, do we have to take the dog for a walk again?
	
	Shut up and drive.

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	Q. WHY CAN'T HELEN KELLER HAVE CHILDREN?
	A. SHE'S DEAD.

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	Q. WHAT'S BLACK, CRISPY AND SITS ON A ROOF?
	A. A POLISH ELECTRICIAN.

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	Q. HOW DID THE POLISH MOTHER REPSOND WHEN HER DAUGHTER TOLD HER SHE 
	   WAS PREGNANT
	A. ARE YOU SURE IT'S YOURS?

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	Q. WHY DO POLISH BABIES HAVE BIG HEADS?
	A. SO THEY DON'T FALL OUT DURING THE BRIDAL DANCE.

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	Q. HOW MANY POLOCKS DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES?
	A. 4 - 3 TO MAKE THE BATTER AND 1 TO PEEL THE M&M'S.

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	Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH GYNECOLOGIST WHO USED TWO FINGERS?
	A. HE WANTED A SECOND OPINION.

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	Q. WHY AREN'T ARABS CIRCUMCISED?
	A. SO THEY HAVE SOMEWHERE TO PUT THEIR GUM IN A SANDSTORM.

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	Q. HOW DO GERMANS TIE THEIR SHOES?
	A. IN LITTLE NAZIS.

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	Q. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN AN EPILEPTIC HAS A FIT IN YOUR BATHTUB?
	A. THROW IN THE LAUNDRY.

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	Q. WHERE DOES AN EPILEPTIC GO IN LAS VEGAS?
	A. SEIZURES PALACE

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	ROSES ARE RED,
	VIOLETS ARE BLUE,
	I'M A SCHIZOPHRENIC,
	AND SO AM I

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	Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS IN A FIREPLACE?
	A. BERNIE.

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	Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK GUY WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS IN THE OCEAN?
	A. KAREEM ABDUL SANDBAR.

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	Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY WITH NO ARMS NO LEGS AND HALF WAY DOWN
	   TINA TURNERS THROAT?
	A. MIKE.

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	Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO GUYS WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS HANGING ON 
	   A WALL?
	A. CURT AND ROD.

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	Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A LEPER HAS BEEN IN YOUR SHOWER?
	A. YOUR BAR OF SOAP HAS GROWN.

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	NATALIE WOOD AND LINDA LOVELACE ARE MAKING A NEW MOVIE.  IT'S CALLED
	DEEP FLOAT.

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	Q. WHY DIDN'T KAREN CARPENTER VISIT POOL HALLS?
	A. SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE CHALKED HER HEAD.

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	Q. WHAT IS THE NAME OF ROMAN POLANSKI'S NEWEST MOVIE?
	A. CLOSE ENCOUTNERES OF THE THIRD GRADE.

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	3 REASONS SEX IS BETTER WITH SHEEP.
		- THERE ALWAYS IN THE MOOD
		- THEY NEVER HAVE A HEADACHE
		- WHEN YOUR THROUGH SCREWING THEM YOU CAN EAT THEM

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	Q. WHY IS LIFE LIKE A PENIS?
	A. WHEN ITS SOFT IT'S HARD TO BEAT AND WHEN IT'S HARD YOU GET SCREWED.

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	Q. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF A BELLY BUTTON ON A GIRL?
	A. IT'S A PLACE TO PUT YOUR GUM IN ON THE WAY DOWN.

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	Q. WHAT KIND OF SOUP DO THEY SERVE IN A GAY CHINESE RESTAURANT?
	A. CREAM OF SOME YOUNG GUY.

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	Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY SMURF?
	A. A SMAGGOT.

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	Q. WHAT DID THE CENTURION SAY TO JESUS CHRIST.
	A. CROSS YOUR LEGS, I ONLY HAVE THREE NAILS.

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	Q. WHAT'S 72?
	A. 69 WITH 5% MEAL TAX.

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What did Adam say to Eve?

Stand back!  I don't know how big this thing gets.

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God says to Adam, "Hey Adam, where's Eve?"
"She's down taking a bath in the river.", Adam replies.
"I Damn it (slight pun)!  I'll never get the smell out of those fish!"

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What did the elephant say to the man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

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Until next time, remember the immortal words of an anonymous voice
from Mission control, 1 minute and 20 seconds after the take-off of
Challenger - "I knew we should have fixed the light in the No Smoking sign"

Here is the new song for Training and Support (TranSport) that Marie
nspired with here gassy gumballs.

(Sung to the tune of "Strangers in the Night")

(CHORUS)
Gumballs in the night,
They make me gassy.
Gumballs in the night,
When I'm feelin' sassy.
Gumballs in the night,
They make me feel so good!


When I've got my gumballs,
Oh there is nothing like when
No better feeling than when
my gumballs are here at night,
Feeling oh so right,
They make me very happy
(Chorus)

Since "The Color Purple" did so well at the box office, Prince has decided
to do a sequel about struggling black slave musicians.  It will be
called "The Color of Purple Rain".


Since so many people are upset about "The Color Purple" being shut out at
the Academy awards and "Out of Africa" doing so well, a third movie will be
made entitled "Back to Africa".


The best name for a gay guy - Peter Suckwell.


The last time I went to the bathroom, I felt like Prince Andrew - third in
line for the Throne.



They are making a new movie in the "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" genre.


Did you hear about the new Libyan Navy?  All their boats will have glass
bottoms so they can see the old Libyan Navy.


Be sure to watch Star Search '86 this week.  The entire Marcos family will
be competing in the Singing Group category.


Did you hear about the new ride at Disneyland?  It's called the Shuttle Express.
for teachers)


Since all the airlines are competing for your business with special fares,
Mexicana airlines now has the best deal around - One way to the Sierra Madres
for no charge.



White Line Fever (Sung to "Take me out to the Ball Game")
----------------
* Courtesy of Major League Baseball and The Drug Pushers of America. *

Take me out for some co-caine,
Take me out for some blow.
Buy me a gram of Peruvian,

For it's toot, toot, toot, like the home team,
We know they're feeling no pain.
For it's one, two, three snorts and out
For some more co-caine.

			HELEN KELLER
			------------

Q. How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

A. It was a blind date.

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Q. Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?

A. She heard it through the grapevine.

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Q. Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll?

A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

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Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A. So she can moan with the other.

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Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff.

A. You would too if you name was Ugggrrrgggh.

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Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

A. Her dog was blind, too.

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Q. How did Helel Keller go crazy?

A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

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Q. Did you hear about Helen Keller's new book?

A. Around the Block in Eighty Days.

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Q. How does Helen Keller drive?

A. With one hand on the wheel and one hand on the road.

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Q. What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

A. Corduroy.

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			POLISH
			------

Q. Did you hear that the Polish government bought a thousand septic tanks?

A. As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia.

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Q. Why does a Pole always take a dime along on his dates?

A. So that if he can't come, he can call.

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   A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the wilds which
they were certain was the Missing Link.  The proof of their theory, though,
the progeny would take on.  So they put an ad in the paper:
"$5000 to Mate with Ape."
   The next morning a Pole called up in response to the ad and said he'd be 
   The scientist agreed to hear him out.
   "First: My wife must never know.
   "Second: The children must be raised as Catholics.
   "Third: If I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested."

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           Polish Sex Manual:

		|------------------------------|
                |                              |
		|                              |
		|        <---------            |
		|             IN               |
		|                              |
		|        ---------->           |
		|             OUT              |
		|                              |
		|      REPEAT IF NECESSARY     |
		|______________________________|

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Q. Why did the Pole spend all night outside the whorehouse?

A. He was waiting for the red light to turn green.

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Q. What do you call a pretty girl in Poland?

A. A tourist.

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Q. Did you here about the Polish carpool?

A. They all meet at work.

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Q. How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Pole?

A. The garbage's been eaten and the dog is pregnant.

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				JEWISH
				------

   This black guy was walking down 125th Street, kicking rubbish out of his
turned out to be an oddly shaped bottle, and when he rubbed it, a Jewish
   "Far out," said the black guy.  "First, I want to be white, uptight, and
out of sight.  Second, I want to be surrounded by warm, sweet, pussy."
   So the genie turned him into a tampon.
   The MORAL of the story: You can't get anything from a Jew without 
			   strings attached.

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Q. Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?

A. Somebody dropped a quarter.

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Q. What happends when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?

A. He breaks his nose.

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Q. What's a Jewish dilemma?

A. Free ham.

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Q. What's the difference between karate and judo?

A. Karate is a method of self defense, and judo is what bagels are made of.

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Q. What's the difference between a JAP and poverty?

A. Poverty sucks.

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Q. How did they know Jesus was Jewish?

A. Because he lived at home until he wat thirty,
   he went into his father's business,
   his mother thought he was God,
   and he thought his mother was a virgin.

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				HOMOSEXUAL
				----------

Q. What do you call a Jewish homosexual?

A. He-blew.

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Q. What do you call an Irish homosexual?

A. Gay-lick.

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Q. What do you call a Chinese homosexual?

A. Chew-man-chew.

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Q. How do you fit four gays at a crowded bar?

A. Turn the barstool upside down.

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Q. What did one lesbian say to another?

A. Your face or mine.

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Q. What do Polish lesbians use for a lubricant?

A. Tartar sauce.

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Q. Considering that in order to get married, you have to have a marriage
   license, what do two lesbians have to get?

A. A licker license.

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Q. What do you call a gay milkman?

A. A Dairy Queen.

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Q. Why was the homosexual fired from his job at the sperm bank?

A. For drinking on the job.


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				HANDICAPPED
				-----------

Q. What's the New Jersey state vegetable?

A. Karen Anne Quinlan.

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The mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the kitchen
table, hungry for dinner.  Soon enough, his mongoloid wife puts down in
front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it, nothing else.
  "Where're the vegetables?" he asks.
  "Oh," replies the wife, "they're not home from school yet."

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Bumper sticker: Hire the handicapped - They're fun to watch.

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Q. Who was the meanest man in the world?

A. The guy who raped the deaf-and-dumb girl, then cut off her fingers so she
   couldn't yell for help.

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Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A. Keep the tip.

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Q. What's a leper in the bathtub?

A. Stew

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Q. What do you call a man with two arms and no legs?

A. Neil

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Q. What do you call a girl with one leg?

A. Eileen

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  This beautiful young paraplegic was sitting on the beach in her
look so sad?"
  "I've never been kissed," she explained, brushing a tear off her cheek.
  "Well, I can take care of that," said the fellow, and did, then walked
off down the beach feeling pretty pleased with himself.
  The next week he was walking down the beach again when what should he
than ever.  "What's wrong now?" he asked, looking deep into her eyes.
  "I've never been fucked," she said sadly.
  "No problem," he said, his chest swelling with manly pride.  He bent over
to lift her from the wheelchair, cradled her gently in his arms, and walked

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Did you hear about the nice woman who gave Ray Charles a ticket to see
Marcel Marceau?

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  A guy was passing through town on his way across the state when he decided
t was time for lunch.  He pulled up in front of a little boy sitting on
  The kid didn't say a word.
  "Hey k-k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-don't you know s-s-s-somewhere s-s-s-serving 
f-f-food around h-h-h-here?"
  The kid just shook his head, and the tourist drove off in disgust.  Just
then the boy's mother came out of the house.  "Herbie," she said, "you've
lived in this town all your life.  Don't tell me you don't know somewhere
to get a bite of lunch."
  "I d-d-d-do," said the kid, "b-b-b-but you th-th-think I w-w-w-wanna 

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				RELIGION
				--------

Q. You know why the Pope didn't want to accept the position?

A. It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood.

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  Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped 
them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.  
  Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly,
"Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does."
  Sister Theresa looked over at her and said, "Mine does."

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Q. What's black and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?

A. A nun with a spear through her head.

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  Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.  "I
 "I don't know," said the other.  "What was her maiden name?"

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  Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they are warmly welcomed at the
all your good work on earth.  Now there's just a brief formality before I
can admit you to heaven: each of you will have to answer one question."
And, turning to the first nun, he asks, "Sister Michael, what is the
Mystery of the Trinity?"
  "That's the Father, Son and Holy Ghost," she replies.  And the lights flash,
the bells go off, and Sister Michael is swept into the Pearly Gates.
  "Sister Benedicta," asks St. Peter gently, "what is the Mystery of the
Virgin Birth?"
  "That's the Immaculate Conception," she replied, and she too is swept
nside the gates with much flashing of lights and sounding of bells.
  Sister Angelica is left alone, shaking a bit with nervousness.  St Peter
turns to her and asks, "What, Sister Angelica, were the first words Eve
  Sister Angelica thought it over, beads of sweat starting to appear on
  And the bells went off, the gates opened...

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  Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened,
next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally
miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
  "See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven.  The sun is
might want to play - you're supposed to be blissfully happy!  What's wrong?"
  "Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost
my only, dearly beloved son at an early age.  And here in heaven I was hoping
more than anything to find him."
  Tears sprang to Jesus' eyes.  "Father!" he cried.
  The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed,
 "Pinocchio!"

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Q. What did the Centurion say to Jesus?

A. Cross your legs, I only have three nails.

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				FEMALE ANATOMY
				--------------

Q. What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A. Sheep.

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Q. Did you hear why Polish women can't use vibrators?

A. They chip their teeth.

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Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

A. Nobody eats parsley.

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Q. Did you hear about the new New Wave band called the Toxic Shock Syndrome?

A. Their new hit's called "Ragtime".

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  This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things 
are getting pretty hot and heavy.  "Put you finger inside me," she asks,
and he's only too happy to oblige.
  "Put another finger inside me," she orders, moaning in pleasure.
  "Put you whole hand inside me."
  "Put both hands inside me."
  "Now clap."
  "I can't!" the guy protests.
  "Tight, huh?" she smiles.

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  Two women are sitting on the front stoop, passing the time.  "Damnit,"
  "Why?" asks her friend.  "Don't you have a vase?"

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Q. What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?

A. Sometimes garbage gets picked up.

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Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's too fat?

A. If she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.

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Q. How can you tell when a Polish woman's not wearing any underwear?

A. By the dandruff on her shoes.

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Q. Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?

A. He could read lips.

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Q. Why did God invent booze?

A. So that fat, ugly girls could have a chance to get laid, too.

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Q. Why did God create women?

A. Because sheep can't cook.

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Q. What's a Cinderella 10?

A. A woman who sucks and fucks till midnight and then turns into a pizza
   and a six-pack.

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				MALE ANATOMY
				------------

  The newlyweds had never slept together and were most eager to consummate
their union.  The bride in her eagerness insisted on undressing the groom,
but stopped dead upon removing his shoes and socks, finding his toes
  "Not to worry," the groom explained.  "A case of toelio when I was a child."
  The bride proceeded apace, only to stop again with an expression of shock
on her face once she had taken off his pants.
  "Nothing but a childhood case of kneesles," he reassured her.
  "Down to the basics, she reached for his jockey shorts.  "I know, I know,"
of smallcox."

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Q. Why did God give black men such huge pricks?

A. Because he was so sorry about what he'd done to their hair.

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Q. What's long and hard and full of semen?

A. A submarine.

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Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast?  I just got laid a minute ago!"

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  A man came into a bar, sat down at the bar for a drink, and noticed that
there was a horse in the back of the room with a big pot of money in front
of it.  "What's that all about?" he asked the bartender.
  "You gotta put a dollar in the pot," explained the bartender, "and you
collect the pot if you can make the horse laugh."
  The guy went over to the horse, whispered in its ear, and the horse cracked
up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter.  And the fellow picked
up the pot and walked out.
 Five years later the same guy walked into the same bar and saw the same horse
at the back with another big pot of money in front of it.  "It's not so easy,"
  The guy walked over to the horse, and in a matter of minutes the horse fell
to its knees, sobbing as though its heart were breaking.  The guy picked up
the pot and was on his way out the door when the bartender stopped him.
  "Hey," he said, "at least tell us how you did it."
  "Easy," said the guy.  "The first time I told him my prick was bigger than

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  A black couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and
by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father got 
up to buy some popcorn, the boy piped up.  "Mom, what's that long thing on
the elephant?"
  "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
  "No, not that."
  "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
  "No, Mom.  Down underneath!"
  His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."  Pretty soon the father
boy repeated his question.
  "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
  "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the other end."
  "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
  "No. Down there!"
  The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."
  "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
  The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

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Q. Why does a dog lick his balls?

A. Because he can.

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Q. What do you have when you have two little green balls in you hand?

A. Kermit's undivided attention.

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  This young man decided that, physically, he wasn't adequately endowed.
Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he went to a doctor and 
announced his desire to have his penis surgically enlarged.
  The doctor checked things out and told the young man that the only real
mprovement that could be surgically worked was to implant a section of a
baby elephant's trunk.
  Rather a radical solution, agreed the patient, but he was adamant.  The
operation was performed without any complications, and after a few weeks of 
accoutrement.
  He asked a lovely young woman of his acquaintance out to dinner at an 
elegant restaurant.  They were having a quiet conversation when his new
organ, which had been comfortably resting in his left pants leg, whipped out
over the table, grabbed a hard roll, and just as speedily disappeared from
  "Wow!" said the girl, truly impressed.  "Can you do that again?"
  "Sure," said the fellow, "but I don't know if my asshole can stand another

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Q. How is man like a snowstorm?

A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get,
   of how long it'll stay.

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			CRUELTY TO ANIMALS
			------------------

Q. What can you do with a dog with no legs?

A. Take it for a drag.

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  A guy comes into a bar and the first thing he sees in the middle of the
tame.  Look, I'll show you."
  He comes out from behind the bar, tells the alligator to open its mouth,
unzips his pants and whips it out, and stands there with his pecker in the
alligator's mouth for a full fifteen minutes.
  "Pretty amazing, huh?" he says, turning around and zipping himself up.
"You wanna give it a try?"
  "Gee, I don't think so," says the first man.  "I don't think I could keep
my mouth open for fifteen minutes."

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Q. Did you hear abut the Polish fox that caught its paw in a trap?

A. It gnawed off three feet before it got free.

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Q. What does an elephant use for a vibrator?

A. An epileptic.

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Q. What do you do with and elephant with three balls?

A. Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

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  A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest 
Charlie."
  "What's so special about this frog?" she asks.  He's reluctant to tell her,
but when pressed, explains that, "This frog can eat pussy."
  The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling
much discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog
n action.  She positions herself appropriately, the guy takes out the frog,
and says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
  The frog is immobile, despite his owner's exhortations, and the girl starts
to snicker.
  "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm only 

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Q. What is the difference between meat and fish?

A. If you beat your fish, it dies.

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Q. How do you get virgin wool?

A. From ugly sheep.

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Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stamp out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
A. To stamp out flaming ducks.

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  This blind fellow walked into Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed 
and swing the dog around and around in a circle.
  A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir...may I help you
  "No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."

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