uk Raymond HELL Can anyone please

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/hell.jok

From fieldr@cs.glasgow.ac.uk Sat May 13 09:26:22 1989
From: fieldr@cs.glasgow.ac.uk (Raymond Field)
Subject: HELL

Can anyone please answer this one simple question?

Why are the only funny bits of the riddles the stupid answers that the 

Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now - this is

Now,  you're all here for eternity,  which I hardly need tell you  is a sod
of a long time, so  you  get to know everyone pretty well  by the end, but
for now I'll have to split you  up into groups.

Are there any questions?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would
then, I believe that's the general idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me?

Off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you
could join them, and BANKMANAGERS.

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you.
Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could

AMERICANS, are you here?  I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity.
He sends particular condolences to the Mormans who He realises put in a lot
of work.  The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and
masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take
a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange
manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use
their holoes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes


and electrodes.

          Knock, knock
          Who's there?
          Death wh..........


that have been infecting the network recently


Well I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes
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