From jon@Apple.COM Tue Apr 18 19:45:02 1989
From: jon@Apple.COM (Jon Singer)
Subject: Backwoods fun
(from Jon Singer and Michael Butler)
(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)
Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification.
Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya
How menny Whut is it Where d'ya git it
1 1 inch cube of 90% Palladium any good hardware store
with 10% Titanium should have it
1 4 inch length of gold wahr steal from yore sister's
5 gallons heavy water, with 10% steal frum Navy base
DTO (th' "Jolt" version, or borry frum naybors.
1 cup Lithium Lye, with Deuterium, war surplus store
1 1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah hell, bild it, use
pappy's arc welder,
1 special currint reggalater bild it.
(figger 3, end of chapter)
1 Kickass(tm) 8 week high-reliability ain'tchoo gotta hardware
timer or equiv'lint bin? Call up Bud's
Don't let on whut it's for.
1 big moonshahn crock, with lid. c'mon, ya gotta know
where ta git basics!
th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.
How d'ya do it, Joe?
Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr
batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack,
and pour th' Jolt water inta it. Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an'
careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now.
Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna
and they ain't afraid ta use it.
So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint
Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at
about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.
Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th'
off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th'
the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th'
Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in,
make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.
'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack
unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much,
This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book
s named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht
through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got
thet? No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught
out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll
make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if
that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'.
Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?
Whut happen Whut ta do
ya hair falls out Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up
take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E,
an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in
no flash after 8 th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more
Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah
tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then
you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th'
tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!
Big wet spot ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If
the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th'
crock leaks, fix it quick.
'lectrode turns brown probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can
give it up, or start over.
ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still
coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta
the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good.
If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater.
Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk
hell, take it from one that knows.
Youall have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer
munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn,
an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look.
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.