COM Jon Backwoods fun jon from

Found at: 0x1bi.net:70/textfiles/file?humor/cold.fus

From jon@Apple.COM Tue Apr 18 19:45:02 1989
From: jon@Apple.COM (Jon Singer)
Subject: Backwoods fun
Reply-Path: apple.com!jon

(from Jon Singer and Michael Butler)


(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)

Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification.


Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya

How menny	Whut is it			Where d'ya git it
    1      1 inch cube of 90% Palladium		any good hardware store
		with 10% Titanium		should have it

    1	   4 inch length of gold wahr		steal from yore sister's

   5 gallons    heavy water, with 10%		steal frum Navy base
		DTO (th' "Jolt" version,	or borry frum naybors.
		heh heh.)

    1 cup  Lithium Lye, with Deuterium,		war surplus store
	   USGummint #3039924057394XD

    1	   1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah	hell, bild it, use
						pappy's arc welder,
						or whutever.

    1      special currint reggalater		bild it.
	   (figger 3, end of chapter)

    1	   Kickass(tm) 8 week high-reliability	ain'tchoo gotta hardware
		timer or equiv'lint		bin? Call up Bud's
						Scientific Splah.
						Don't let on whut it's for.

    1	   big moonshahn crock, with lid.	c'mon, ya gotta know
						where ta git basics!

   th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.

How d'ya do it, Joe?

Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr
batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack,
and pour th' Jolt water inta it.  Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an'
careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now.
Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna
and they ain't afraid ta use it.

So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint
Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at
about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.

Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th'
off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th'
the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th'

Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in,
make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.

'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack
unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much,

This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book
s named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht
through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got
thet?  No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught
out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll
make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if
that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'.

Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?


Whut happen		Whut ta do
ya hair falls out	Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up
n hanks
			take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E,
			an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in
			a spell.

no flash after 8	th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more
			Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah
			tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then
			you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th'
			tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!

Big wet spot		ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If
			the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th'
			crock leaks, fix it quick.

'lectrode turns brown	probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can
			give it up, or start over.

			ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still
			coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta
			the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good.
			If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater.
			Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk
			hell, take it from one that knows.

Youall have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer
munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn,
an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look.

Yore Frend,
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.